What are the things that I LOVE and why do I have to keep reminding myself that I LOVE them?

Today the virus has returned.

I’m sure this virus has embodied me since birth.

And no it’s definitely not related to the COVID.

It comes after intense moments of stress.

This stress often comes after intense moments of exertion.

There’s a pattern. I work on events and during that time find myself carried away with the flow of activity. 

It’s both enjoyable and a stretch.

It’s like the end of the hokey pokey : “you put your whole self in and you shake it all about”. 

At this time of ‘performance’ I’m in my element and LOVE the feeling of being alive, of working on something, that will soon evolve as an experience,  a ju de vi for the audience. 

When birthed the creative process is love in action.  What eventuates is revealed to me, because of all the steps that came before. Like baking, you wait to see how the cake turns out, and what it tastes like. The creative process is like that, a revelation, an epiphany – wow, I did that?

I surprise myself.

This is one thing that I LOVE. When it’s all over I go back to being an ordinary, depleted, spent spirit. If I LOVE it, surely the joy might rekindle my strength rather than take it away.

Once I arrive at the end and all the congratulations fade, I become unwell.

I do not intend to become unwell, it just happens.

I’m forced to stop, to sit and allow myself to be content with less.

And then I take note of the contributing ‘ifs’:

If I stay up too late

If I eat too many peanuts

If I drink coffee

If I eat chocolate

If I overdo the exercise

If I get angry

If I cry and feel sad

All of these ‘ifs’ point to the ‘but’ of ‘if’.   

Simply, if I did the opposite of all these ‘ifs’ then I will be well.

If I go to bed early

If I stop eating peanuts

If I stop drinking coffee

If I stop eating chocolate

If I exercise less

If I laugh out loud

If anger comes, that I replace it with calm.

It’s difficult to know if it is the virus that causes feelings of angst, or if it is the angst that causes the virus.

When the virus returns, I seem to cry easily too. Tears just come out, there isn’t even a reason. This shroud of grief holds me, for a time.

Perhaps it’s the transition of coming into being older, it’s like another layer is discarded and change happens in that moment of stopping.

I keep working to be well, only to find it’s not working. Exercise, dieting, yoga, and meditation- I’m of the opinion that it will help. When I’m well, it helps.

When I’m unwell, it doesn’t seem to help. 

I remind myself then that I must be guided by the simple act of love.

That I do not need to do anything to fix myself, I simply need to know what it feels like to be love, and be loved. There is the healing in this one act.

Focus then on acts of love, and let that guide the healing.

One thought on “Return of the virus

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