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When I open my eyes, I can see the computer light blinking at me, there’s too much light in my room to enable the melatonin to fully kick in. I need a dark room to sleep.

I reach for my phone- 11.15 pm, I went to bed 2 hours ago.

I get up to go to the toilet.

Am I sleep walking?

There’s a dialogue in my head about mushrooms, I must put mushrooms on the shopping list.

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I slide the toilet door closed, to eliminate the street lights, I cover the computer with the sports bra strewn on my desk- I fall back to sleep.

When I open my eyes, there is a shard of light, poking under my door.

Who is still awake?

I reach for my phone to check the time- it’s 1.20am, I get up to check. Someone left the light on, and I go down the corridor to turn it off.

I need a dark room to sleep.

My bladder irritates- I have ensuite, I can only think that this luxury is the reason for my demise to incontinence. Pelvic floor exercises, must do them tomorrow.

Then more dialogue about onions- “I must remember onions on the shopping list.”

I fall back to my bed, back to sleep.

When I open my eyes, I reach for my phone- I left it facing upwards and the light has woken my senses.

It’s only 3.45am- “was that my deep sleep cycle? It wasn’t very long”. My bladder again urges me to get up, it must be the cold- why all this piss?

I need a drink of water.

I take my thyroxine.

“Tinned tomatoes, gotta add that to the list!”

I tuck my phone under the pillow.

I close my eyes.

I attempt to sleep.

The thoughts and voices now emerge, from somewhere, all on their own- I have no control over the voices. They are stuck in my head.

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The room is dark, the noise in my head has taken over and continues, amplified like the chatter of a social gathering, a party, voices talking, ruminating, banter in a language I do not understand.

I begin the topsy, turvy tossing,  the count down to six am.

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One thought on “The shopping list

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