When I open my eyes, I can see the computer light blinking at me, there’s too much light in my room to enable the melatonin to fully kick in. I need a dark room to sleep.
I reach for my phone- 11.15 pm, I went to bed 2 hours ago.
I get up to go to the toilet.
Am I sleep walking?
There’s a dialogue in my head about mushrooms, I must put mushrooms on the shopping list.
I slide the toilet door closed, to eliminate the street lights, I cover the computer with the sports bra strewn on my desk- I fall back to sleep.
When I open my eyes, there is a shard of light, poking under my door.
Who is still awake?
I reach for my phone to check the time- it’s 1.20am, I get up to check. Someone left the light on, and I go down the corridor to turn it off.
I need a dark room to sleep.
My bladder irritates- I have ensuite, I can only think that this luxury is the reason for my demise to incontinence. Pelvic floor exercises, must do them tomorrow.
Then more dialogue about onions- “I must remember onions on the shopping list.”
I fall back to my bed, back to sleep.
When I open my eyes, I reach for my phone- I left it facing upwards and the light has woken my senses.
It’s only 3.45am- “was that my deep sleep cycle? It wasn’t very long”. My bladder again urges me to get up, it must be the cold- why all this piss?
I need a drink of water.
I take my thyroxine.
“Tinned tomatoes, gotta add that to the list!”
I tuck my phone under the pillow.
I close my eyes.
I attempt to sleep.
The thoughts and voices now emerge, from somewhere, all on their own- I have no control over the voices. They are stuck in my head.
The room is dark, the noise in my head has taken over and continues, amplified like the chatter of a social gathering, a party, voices talking, ruminating, banter in a language I do not understand.
I begin the topsy, turvy tossing, the count down to six am.