Three days have past in angst. Like I want to explode all things in my way with a blink of dynamite. If only I could eradicate obstacles with a flick. The path would be clearer.
This must be another learning curve. They often are.
The sores come from inside out.
Like specks of hurt.
Patterns of dis – ease.
I sought treatment from the physiotherapist. An internal manipulation I was surprised by the release I felt in the right hip. The ball does not sit comfortably in the socket.
So many things do not fit in this way of life.
If only I could accept that life is like that and simply let it unfold and remain raptured in the wonder of it all, rather than feel the prickles of a splintered heart.
I’m running around, trying to pick up the pieces of disonnance like the shattered glass on ceramic tiles, a forgotten shard hidden underneath the place that’s difficult to get to. And then the little tiny specks that embed in your heal, unaware, threatening to weaken your step.
The angst ebbs and flows with the temperament of seasons.
December hits, the heat wave pumps and tempers blast out to the countdown to Christmas. Organised in lists of “to do”. The irony is that the list is endless.
Should the world implode buy the 25th; got to get those items crossed off.
I feel like I’m running out of breath, like I’ve got to go faster, like I’ve got to make room for that pudding so I can eat more, cram more in, like I can’t digest- it all stagnates.
I crave peace, harmony, quiet.
It’s become an obsession.
Stress inflames thoughts of perfection, though miss the mark, that superhuman is unattainable.
I just want space to explore other things that come out of being less busy, the creative energy of possibility and curiosity.
The space we were able to find as children in play.
The structure in our lives brings the certainty we seek, though it’s the getting lost in wonder that ignites the fun.
With angst comes this sense of fear that the damage done cannot be undone. It’s final and hurtful.
Own both sides of your face, the grimace and the smile. The balance of knowing that you are both capable of strength and weakness. Though reframed the weakness can highlight the importance of expression, letting it out in ways that illicit and enable creativity.